You know those situations that occur, and you say, "Well, this is no fun, but someday we will look back on it and laugh"?
I have a feeling Hilary is going through one of those times right now. To say that she is ready to be engaged is to say that the Cookie Monster would prefer some Chips Ahoy in the very near future.
I am trying to put myself in her shoes. It's easier to be me right now - I know how the story ends. I know when we are getting engaged.
She, on the other hand, is completely in the dark. And, I admit, I'm not helping things. I am in a bit of a precarious position - I want to reinforce my feelings to her so she will feel safe and secure in our relationship, but at the same time, I don't want her to be thinking that our engagement is just around the corner.
Is that wrong of me? I don't know (actually, probably). But I want it to be a surprise to her, and the longer I can hold her off thinking that engagement is imminent, the easier it will be to pull off.
Which brings me to this post.
I've been trying to avoid any direct talks about our future because the engagement is so close at hand. I suppose I know that is nearly impossible, especially since we are moving in together in the next few weeks.
Friday we had a long talk about the state of things in our relationship, and I had to figure out a way to keep her in the dark without making her feel insecure. This was, as you can imagine, not so easy.
My plan all along has been to set up the actual proposal around Labor Day weekend. We are going to Virginia Beach that weekend to be with her family, and I know how much her family means to her. It's the perfect setting to me.
Here is the problem though - Labor Day is still over a month away. That doesn't seem like a long time to me, but it appears that Hilary's mental calendar advances in dog years these days. A month until engagement to her might as well be six more months.
In speaking to my father about this on Friday, he continued to urge me to just get it over with. I see his point - it's going to be a special moment no matter how or when I do it. At the same time, I still believe that though it will be special no matter what, it can still be "more special". My analogy to him was if you win $40 million in the lottery, you will be excited, but you will be even more excited if you win $100 million, and if you had a choice between the two, you'd choose the latter, right? (Note - using analogies runs in my family; we are unable to communicate without them. It's either a blessing or a curse - lately I've been leaning towards curse).
Her family is important to her, and therefore it's important to me that they be a part of the engagement in some form or fashion. It's something I really don't want to bend on.
So, I want to wait. I know I could do it at any time between now and then, and I know it would certainly be a load off of Hilary's mind (see previous post regarding the cruise), but I am stubborn.
Hopefully, the angst Hilary is feeling now will turn to laughter someday when we look back on this.
Or, she will kill me.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
For those of you who had the cruise...you lose
When Hilary and I booked a cruise vacation back in March (or maybe it was April), I wasn't ready to consider engagement. That's not a reflection on her; it was still just only a few months into our living in the same city and she was still commuting back and forth to DC, which gave our relationship still a slight long-distance feel.
However, as the weeks went by and our relationship continued to grow, I began to consider the notion of proposing while on the ship. Certainly, there were plenty of good reasons to do it:
- it's a vacation, and would give us the opportunity to be engaged without all the madness that creates for at least a few days
- we would be in several places with aesthetic beauty (the ship's casino!) that might provide a terrific backdrop for the moment
- it would more than satisfy Hilary's desire to be engaged before I moved in and we began living in sin (note to future children: daddy has no problem with it, just so long as you are doing it for the right reasons - you know, like affording better cable)
In the end, I chose not to do it. I'd love to give you a lot of good reasons, but it really boiled down to two main ones - one good, and one you probably won't like as much.
First the good one. In many of the proposals I've seen and heard about amongst the people I know, there is often two parts of the proposal surprise: the popping of the question, followed by a surprise appearance from one or both sets of parents.
If I proposed on the cruise, I couldn't really pull that off (at least not without great cost). I debated the idea of having her family and mine meet us at the airport upon our return, but we wouldn't get back until Saturday night and it seemed somewhat of a waste to only have everyone together for a couple hours all told. Not being able to add in the family component was a big negative.
The second (and more selfish reason) was, it was too cliched for my tastes. It would be so obvious for me to propose on the cruise; I knew this intuitively as well as because roughly everyone I knew asked me if I planned on doing so. I may make fun of my friend Joey Lazarus for never doing what people suggest to him, but the fact that so many people were certain I was going to pop while we were in the Caribbean made me all the more resistant to the notion.
Is that unfair to Hilary? Maybe. It's entirely possible she will be upset with me when she eventually reads this post and makes me sleep on the couch for a night. But my feeling is, the proposal is going to be a special moment for both the ask-ee and the ask-er. I want to find a way to do it that will satisfy both her desire to be asked (growing daily from what I can tell, but more on that in a minute) and my desire to do it in a way that will be (ideally) unique and surprising.
So the cruise was off. When we returned from our vacation, a friend asked me if I thought she was disappointed that it didn't happen. My response was I wasn't sure. We don't really talk much, currently, about when specifically we will get engaged, mostly because I want it to be a surprise. So it was hard for me to know what her level of anxiety was...until today.
Let me start off by saying that I may get in more trouble for posting this than it's worth, but from where I am sitting today, I think it's too funny not to mention given the nature of this blog. I.e., Hilary may get mad about it in the short term, but the further away we get from it, the funnier it will be (to her that is - its funny to me right now).
Hilary is supposed to be having dinner Thursday night with her friend Jaygima, a co-worker from her days at HMS Host who like her moved to Atlanta to be with her significant other (to whom she is now married).
This morning, she forwarded me an email from Jay with something funny she had written. Normally, I'd just glance at an email like that before hitting the ol' delete button.
For some reason though, Hilary forwarded me the entire email chain, and I inexplicably started reading it. This is not normal behavior for me, and I do feel slightly bad about it, but my eyes somehow saw the word "ring" in part of the thread and subsequently my curiosity got the best of me.
What did I learn? Apparently, Hilary is quite ready to get this show on the road:
"It’s just really frustrating the whole engagement thing. I know you know though. I just wish it would happen already!..."
And from another portion:
"We just got back from our cruise on Saturday that was really fun. No ring, but I overheard a conversation before the cruise that keyed me into knowing it wasn’t going to happen. I’m glad I knew for sure beforehand or I would have been anxious during the cruise and upset towards the end..."
Wow. I guess she is ready, eh? I can't for the life of me figure out which conversation she overheard, as I am pretty good about keeping any engagement planning talks from taking place anywhere near her. It's possible someone asked me if I was going to propose within her earshot and she heard my answer, that's the best I can figure.
So, this leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. At present, my plan is still to put the plan into action around Labor Day weekend, when we will be in Virginia Beach and I can incorporate her family easily into the blessed occasion. I like this idea a lot. Most of my brainstorming on how I will eventually pop the question revolves around the notion of being with her family in her hometown. However, Labor Day is still 5 weeks away. Based on the tone of the email I just read, it's entirely possible that Hilary will run several hundred volts of electricity directly through my testicles if I don't ask her to marry me soon.
I have a choice to make - do I re-evaluate and change course to help Hilary maintain her sanity? Or do I stick to the plan and risk the safety of my future children. This is a toughie...
However, as the weeks went by and our relationship continued to grow, I began to consider the notion of proposing while on the ship. Certainly, there were plenty of good reasons to do it:
- it's a vacation, and would give us the opportunity to be engaged without all the madness that creates for at least a few days
- we would be in several places with aesthetic beauty (the ship's casino!) that might provide a terrific backdrop for the moment
- it would more than satisfy Hilary's desire to be engaged before I moved in and we began living in sin (note to future children: daddy has no problem with it, just so long as you are doing it for the right reasons - you know, like affording better cable)
In the end, I chose not to do it. I'd love to give you a lot of good reasons, but it really boiled down to two main ones - one good, and one you probably won't like as much.
First the good one. In many of the proposals I've seen and heard about amongst the people I know, there is often two parts of the proposal surprise: the popping of the question, followed by a surprise appearance from one or both sets of parents.
If I proposed on the cruise, I couldn't really pull that off (at least not without great cost). I debated the idea of having her family and mine meet us at the airport upon our return, but we wouldn't get back until Saturday night and it seemed somewhat of a waste to only have everyone together for a couple hours all told. Not being able to add in the family component was a big negative.
The second (and more selfish reason) was, it was too cliched for my tastes. It would be so obvious for me to propose on the cruise; I knew this intuitively as well as because roughly everyone I knew asked me if I planned on doing so. I may make fun of my friend Joey Lazarus for never doing what people suggest to him, but the fact that so many people were certain I was going to pop while we were in the Caribbean made me all the more resistant to the notion.
Is that unfair to Hilary? Maybe. It's entirely possible she will be upset with me when she eventually reads this post and makes me sleep on the couch for a night. But my feeling is, the proposal is going to be a special moment for both the ask-ee and the ask-er. I want to find a way to do it that will satisfy both her desire to be asked (growing daily from what I can tell, but more on that in a minute) and my desire to do it in a way that will be (ideally) unique and surprising.
So the cruise was off. When we returned from our vacation, a friend asked me if I thought she was disappointed that it didn't happen. My response was I wasn't sure. We don't really talk much, currently, about when specifically we will get engaged, mostly because I want it to be a surprise. So it was hard for me to know what her level of anxiety was...until today.
Let me start off by saying that I may get in more trouble for posting this than it's worth, but from where I am sitting today, I think it's too funny not to mention given the nature of this blog. I.e., Hilary may get mad about it in the short term, but the further away we get from it, the funnier it will be (to her that is - its funny to me right now).
Hilary is supposed to be having dinner Thursday night with her friend Jaygima, a co-worker from her days at HMS Host who like her moved to Atlanta to be with her significant other (to whom she is now married).
This morning, she forwarded me an email from Jay with something funny she had written. Normally, I'd just glance at an email like that before hitting the ol' delete button.
For some reason though, Hilary forwarded me the entire email chain, and I inexplicably started reading it. This is not normal behavior for me, and I do feel slightly bad about it, but my eyes somehow saw the word "ring" in part of the thread and subsequently my curiosity got the best of me.
What did I learn? Apparently, Hilary is quite ready to get this show on the road:
"It’s just really frustrating the whole engagement thing. I know you know though. I just wish it would happen already!..."
And from another portion:
"We just got back from our cruise on Saturday that was really fun. No ring, but I overheard a conversation before the cruise that keyed me into knowing it wasn’t going to happen. I’m glad I knew for sure beforehand or I would have been anxious during the cruise and upset towards the end..."
Wow. I guess she is ready, eh? I can't for the life of me figure out which conversation she overheard, as I am pretty good about keeping any engagement planning talks from taking place anywhere near her. It's possible someone asked me if I was going to propose within her earshot and she heard my answer, that's the best I can figure.
So, this leaves me with a bit of a dilemma. At present, my plan is still to put the plan into action around Labor Day weekend, when we will be in Virginia Beach and I can incorporate her family easily into the blessed occasion. I like this idea a lot. Most of my brainstorming on how I will eventually pop the question revolves around the notion of being with her family in her hometown. However, Labor Day is still 5 weeks away. Based on the tone of the email I just read, it's entirely possible that Hilary will run several hundred volts of electricity directly through my testicles if I don't ask her to marry me soon.
I have a choice to make - do I re-evaluate and change course to help Hilary maintain her sanity? Or do I stick to the plan and risk the safety of my future children. This is a toughie...
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